People I really need your help so much. I have a webshow that is coming out on christmas day and I really would like everyone to watch it. We do a joke of the day and we choose a random joke that ppl have sent in, so far I have ten jokes. We would really like some more! It's not exactly a website, but it is going to do..
To e-mail me, the address is email@example.com
Thanks if you really and truly are going to watch it!
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He
reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my
friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I
The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering
approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42
degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer!" says the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and
the fact is, I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager!"
"I am replies the balloonist, but how did you know?"
"Well," says the engineer, "You don't know where you are, or where
you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how
to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you
are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it
is somehow, my fault."
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the Breathalyzer again!"
Girl:If we get engaged will you give me a ring?
Boy:Sure,whats your number?
Boy:May I hold your hand?
Girl:No thanks, it isn't heavy.
Girl:Say you love me! Say you love me!
Boy:You love me
Girl:I think the poorest people are the happiest.
Boy:Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.
Girl:Darling,I want to dance like this forever.
Boy:Don't you ever want to improved?
Boy:I love you so much I could die for you
Girl:Really! How soon?
Boy:You remind me of the sea.
Girl:Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Boy:No, because you make me sick.
Mary:John say I'm pretty, Andy say I'm ugly, what do you think Peter
Peter:a bit of both, I think you are pretty ugly.
1. One night, a king and a queen sail to an island, NO ONE KNOWS about the island except them. When they come back[from the island] there are 3 people with them, how is this possible? ( IMPORTANT NOTE: The queen WAS NOT pregnant) I'll admit, this one is kinda hard, so HINT: look closely at the first sentence
2. A woman shoots her husband, holds him underwater for 5 minutes, and hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they enjoy a wonderful dinner together, what happened?
What is the common denominator with these words?
1. carton / they keep your tootsies warm
2. rich and sumptuous / vehicle used for moving
3. accent or emphasis on syllables / furniture used for storing
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.