15 years ago
boxer

I cannot find the right guy for me..... they keep using and abusing?

I have been engaged, he took every thing i owned away from me and was very abusive, fell in love with another man....he had relationships with 4 other girls on the side(nice hey) found a decent man but didn't go anywhere coz i was waiting for my love to return and when i found out he wasn't my decent man took his life....... am i doing something wrong, am i looking for the wrong people???
Top 10 Answers
15 years ago
MJstar99
You sound like a very nice person. In fact, I'll bet you're too nice. I'm guessing here, but I bet you bend over backwards trying to please your men, doing all the nice things you can possibly think of for them and then wonder why they walk all over you. The thing is, no man's gonna respect you until you start respecting yourself. When you're in a relationship, do you cancel things just to be with your man? Do you cook him fancy dinners after only knowing him a little while? Do you stop seeing your friends? Do you drive over to his place late at night just because he wants to see you, yet he'll never do the same in return? If so, this is where you've been going wrong. I know you do these things because you want to show how much you care. A man won't see it like that. If you do all these things, a man will consider you a doormat. And when he knows you're a doormat, he can walk all over you. How not to be a doormat? Don't be around every time he clicks his fingers. If you have existing plans, keep them. If you don't have plans for that evening and a friend invites you out, don't say no "just in case" your man calls you up and asks you to go over. Yes, he's gonna pout when you say you can't see him; he might try the old emotional blackmail of "you would if you loved me". But don't be fooled. Your saying no to him is not gonna have a long term detrimental effect on his life. A good book to read is "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov. Finally, I'm very sorry to hear about your decent man taking his life. Please consider bereavement counselling, if you haven't already. Good luck, and have a very happy life.
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15 years ago
killerlegs
Don't ever blame yourself for the choices other people make. There is nothing wrong with you, but with them. I have learned to tell myself that I need to take care of my life and not worry about whether or not I have a man. I am just leaving it to God and if he decide I should be alone, then so be it. I will accept that. Whenever you are looking for a man, you will end up with garbage. You want one so bad that you do not take the time to look at what is important and all the signs that shows you something is wrong. The only thing you want to see is what you are hoping for and we all know they will tell you anything you want to hear and sound quite convincing too. Take some time away from that and find yourself again. Take time to move your life forward and accomplishing your goals and just let God deal with that part of your life, this way, you make not mistakes. Take care of yourself.
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15 years ago
Anonymous
You know a lot of people say that the way you treat yourself is reflected in the way that other people treat you. If you don't think you're worth much or feel that your a nobody people will pick up on that and treat you that way - like a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are someone who respects themselves and prizes themselves then other people will respect you and the men in your life will prize you. Give the same man two different women and he will treat them differently depending on how they see and present themselves. I know thats very general advice but it seems to hold true. Maybe you should get some books on the subject of self esteem or relationships and get more of an understanding of how and why people treat eachother the way they do. Anyway, hope that helps, good luck!
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15 years ago
No More
I think you are quite right to look to yourself for some of the answers as to why your history keeps repeating itself. I am not saying that you should blame yourself, because I can't believe that anybody would cause another person to be abusive, dishonest, or even depressed. I am talking about the kind of person you tend to seek out for a relationship. Unfortunately I can't possibly give you all of the answers you need right here & now. That is something you must discover on your own. I will suggest a few places to start. 1) Try a professional councelor, I highly recommend it. ( you're not crazy) 2) Seek out a support group for the families & friends of suicide, & join up. 3) There are loads of self-help books available to you. Scan the shelves of your local library or bookstore for one that applies to your situation. From your question, it seems to me that you are ready to make a change. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to find out the areas that need to be changed in the way you do things, & how to go about it. Awareness is a great place to start.
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15 years ago
hellfirsthand
It takes time, and a lot of trial and error. But, you should never settle on someone just because they're there. You need to meet as many people as possible. If you know he's not right for you, move on. Don't wait around for anybody. No compromises. If you end up compromising, you'll end up just like everyone else in this country, divorced and miserable.
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15 years ago
Michael J
you sound like a very nice person, hang in there:) It is unfortunate that these things have happened to you. Life is too precious, lay low and i am sure the right decent, honest man will come around. We (men) aren't all bad. And please do not get hung up on the other ex-boyfriend, he definitely had problems prior to your relationship with him. Take care of yourself.
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15 years ago
Hmg♥Brd
Been there, done that!! Now, I just want to be "single" for awhile, you know... Jerry Hall, once said, she told her mom, that "Be a whore, in the bedroom, but a lady around your man, all the time" and she has 5 kids from Mick Jaggar, from the "Rolling stones!!" I think he has kids everywhere!! But, from her the most.. I think I fail into that bracket, with my last Ex-husband, we had a "Wonderful sex-life" but, he was so verbally abusive, and physically abusive, to me.. He was insanely jealous,and very Obsessed over me!! Which ruined our marriage!! I love this man still to this day, this same man, I've known half my life!! But, I cant take his controlling ways anymore!! He's in prison because of me... From beating on me, and he's getting ready to get out next week, and I am, deathly afraid of what he's capable of!!! I had an "Order of protection" on him, and its expired!! I want to go and renew it, but I never have time!! Being a full-time student and with two teens at home.. Life is just so busy, for me these days!! My ex took everything I owned two or three times.. even my great-aunts, wedding ring, that was passed-down to me, and worth a mint, all for drugs!! I never knew he was on drugs, and my girlfriend even told me, he's on drugs,, and we used to argue about it... I just thought his job was working him overtime.. Cuz, thats what he told me.. I took him back so many times,.. but never again!! I have a better outlook on life now, that I devorced him, I always do better, financially, and everything I own, doesn't go to the "Pawn-shop" when I'm away from him!!! I'm confortable in my own skin enough to just stay "single" the rest of my life!! Sex, is just a two minute high anyway!! And for all the crap you have to go through, for that two minute high, just isn't worth it, to me, anymore!!! I'd rather just take care of that part without all the headaches that come with relationships, you know!! Just take a "Back-seat" for awhile, and enjoy your freedom, because, you are obviously like me, we attract those guys who live on the "edge" a little... And who are "Toxic!!" Girl I would enjoy your "freedom" its not you, its them!! Just enjoy getting your life back on track!! smile, it'll get better, you'll see!!!
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15 years ago
floozy_niki
Yes you are. You are kissing frogs hoping that they will turn into princes. Forget it. It's never going to happen. Why not concentrate on yourself? Concentrate on being happy alone and single and men will naturally flock to you. You don't need to find the right guy, the right guy will always come to you...
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15 years ago
Bling Bling
Well it was hard for me to find the right girl that will not use or abused me...try to look for personality instead of looks, and maybe you might find the right guy. good luck i'll pray for u.
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