14 years ago
Anonymous

How does a person let go of the past and regain trust after it has been broken in a relationship?

My husband is giving me the silent treatment; no conversation, no sex, nothing. He says the famous line "it's not you, it's me," & that he's just really stressed lately (new job, moved to another state). The problem is he has started frequenting a strip club and although he has not cheated on me he say's he is going there to have a few drinks, and relieve stress. He told me I could go with him (to see for myself that there is nothing going on), but I do not have anyone to watch our child. I believe that he does not want to cheat on me now as we moved here for a fresh start, but he has in the past. We have also been through marriage counseling which really did nothing for us. How can I trust him again because we truly do not want divorce and have been together so long that we won't. I am really wondering how does a person let go of the past and regain trust after it has been broken in a relationship?
Top 10 Answers
14 years ago
Anonymous
Favorite Answer
You can't build trust if your husband doesn't help the situation. From the looks of things he seems to not care about the way you feel. he does what he wants to do no matter how it affects you. He has no respect for you hanging out in a stripclub and insults you by asking you to come along. It appears that he isn't going to consider your feelings and is going to continue on doing whatever he wants to do. So what you now have and what you are seeing is probably as good as it's going to get. If you can't see leaving him and he can't see leaving you he holds all the power in that if you want to be with him you have to accept that he is going to do what he is going to do! You can spend many years of your life this way untill he gets into an affair with someone and then leaves you for her. In the end the way he is going you may end up without him in your life anyway and It maynot be your choice. He can continue on this way because he knows you will put up with him and forgive him for anything he does. The only way anything can change here is to stand up for yourself and give him an ultimatum. He has no fear of losing you and maybe you need to show him that he can. He will never wake up and be right as long as he knows you could never leave him and catch him when he falls. Sometimes love is not enough to go on living with a person when life is all about him and not you. You can move from state to state starting over but if you can't find something to move whats in his heart the same problems will follow you anywhere. You will never completly trust your husband again because he ruined that. You will always be looking over your shoulder and never unsure about his loyalty to you. The only way you may know how to truly let go of the past is to let go of him. I know you don't want to hear this and I am sorry for saying it but what other choice is he really giving you? You deserve to be loved and respected by the man you choose to live your life with don't allow him to make you settle for anything less. He is already starting up again by hitting the stripclub if it was all about going there for drinks and stress why can't he go to a regular bar? You have to accept what it is that he is thinking and he isn't thinking about you. You can't make something out of nothing about trusting him because he is giving you every indication that he cannot be trusted. You have some serious decisions to make here about your own life and future and trust about your husband is beside the point. Trust in yourself that you are worth so much more than what this man can give to you. Take care and I truly hope the best for you.
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14 years ago
dawnb
It's hard to regain trust and let go of the past when your husband is going to strip clubs to relieve his stress instead of turning to you. There will always be some sort of stress in a marriage or any relationship. If the two of you can't sit down and discuss those issues together, I'm not sure there is a way for you to move past your issues. Maybe another go with a different, better counselor could help but your husband has to be part of the solution. Strip clubs aren't it.
1
14 years ago
Anonymous
Hi there...sorry to hear about your situation. I'm afraid you'll have to make a decision, soon. You will have to decide whether you want to try to save your marriage- or leave and take your kid with you. From what you wrote, you are trying hard to make things work out, but your husband's attitute seems both selfish and manipulative to me. His going to a strip club IS NOT a good idea; and if he really wanted you to feel better about your life together he would STOP doing this! The fact he has cheated on you already is a HUGE red flag and you just cannot ignore it. Trust is basic in a marriage, and he has broken it with his actions in the past....He should be working on re-gaining it, not continuing to act stupidly. I think you should try therapy or counseling alone, so you can sort out your feelings and see how things stand...(.IMO, if you are putting more into a relationship than you are getting out of it, then it's time to evaluate moving on.) Remember, we can change NO ONE except ourselves- and sometimes we fall in love with the wrong person....You sound like a nice person and you deserve a good, decent man at your side. Think things over and if you think you will not be able to live peacefully with him, take control of your life and do what is best for YOU and your kid. Good luck!
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14 years ago
2good4U
It doesn't seem like he even cares if you forgive him or forget what he has done in the past because he's not giving you a reason to want to forgive him. He's out at a strip club watching naked women shake their a**es and p*ssy in his face. I'm sure he's getting some personal lap dances as well. There's probably a girl there that he likes. Or likes to see naked. Some men can be dogs. And here you are in a new state not knowing anyone, with your child. Alone. He should be taking the family out and exploring the town. I'm sorry but there isn't anything good going to come from him going to this strip joint. A man that has cheated before doesn't need to be surrounded by lots of naked woman. That's a recipe for disaster. Wouldn't you really like to know what he does there? But, I guess honestly, you probably don't need to know. Just the fact that he's there is bad enough. I can't blame you for not getting to a place of forgiveness for him.
1
14 years ago
frawlicious
Hi! It takes time to rebuild the trust in the relationship. I am not sure how would feel about this strip club thing. A strip club is the same thing as porn, just live and in person. If you can get up enough energy to see them, you can have sex with your wife. I am not saying that he is cheating but it doesn't seem like he is comitted to making your marriage work. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.
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14 years ago
Anonymous
Isn't there another place he could drink? A sport's bar, your home? Maybe you could play cards (strip poker? I'm just teasing about the poker. I don't even know how to play but what about strip uno?). Talk to your husband and tell him how hurt you are. Find someone to watch your little one. Encourage her (him) to make friends and once you've met the parents and feel comfortable you can trade play dates or sleep overs. (I'm assuming you are far from family and friends who could help you out.) Then you two could have some time together to do something fun. Trust... that's a hard one. I don't know of anything that can make it the way it was. But maybe time will help. (Here's hoping) Good luck and God Bless you both. =-)
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14 years ago
?
I'm sorry. Reading this was hard for me, I can't imagine living it. I think strip clubs are deal breakers. I don't tolerate it, even with a man I'm dating. I feel it's disrespectful. I understand the stress making him want to 'escape' we all go through that, but that's no reason to make you or you children have any kind of stress. I would speak with him frankly w/o raising my voice. I would express your truest feelings. If he uses his line "It's not you, it's me" Tell him, "yes it very much has to do with me." You shouldn't have to follow him around to 'make sure' he's not cheating. He shouldn't be going to strip clubs or closing you out if he is serious about trying to repair the relationship.
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14 years ago
Mekia
He;s pushing you away. you are doing what most people do when they try to salvage a relationship...stay and deal. But it comes to a point where you realize after all of the onsided commintment that YOU need to make a change. Seperation may help alot although he shows signs that he doesn't want commitment. Take your child and give him some space. He might realize what a fool he's been.
1
14 years ago
bunty
Oh god your post, reminds my past !!!!!! I got married 3 and half years back and my husband was in love with some one else.......he says that she was his friend. but girls can know right away ..... any ways we would have bitter arguments all the time .....he did not liked me and i hated him. When he even speaks one word there would big fight. I lost my confidence, i would not like to meet any one. But as the time passed by i realize that FORGET AND FORGIVE is really the key. I am telling you few things which you can try. 1-Be happy when he comes to home coz no body likes sad environment, 2.dont give him much attention show him like nothing has happned. 3.Try to talk any thing which he likes and dont talk about past or club. 5.Play and laugh with your kid in front of him .........men dont like desperet women, they just want happy and confident women who dont care about them.......then they will love them. 6.Cook good meal and eat together and chat just journal things like what happned in office or news and events. 7.Men love if women do feminin things like make up or dress, hair. 8. Just show him that you are not desperete and depend on him. 9.Dont initiate sex. Try these things for like one week see waht happens. The one most importent thing is to try to make happy yourself first ..........i know that it is very hard .......but it is not harder than getting silent treatment. I did all these things and now my husband can not even see if i am little sad. we still fight !!!!!! but not as bad as we fought earlier ....touch wood. Just be more flexible and when he will start to love you then teach him a lession !!!!!!!!!. I really feel your pain. dont think about seperation coz there is no garenty that next guy will be good ....so try for good, for one more time. best of luck Sorry my english is not that great.
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14 years ago
MiZz SaAk
well first he should start comming home to you and your child and not the strip club...he may not be cheating now...but if you continue to let this happen then he might do it again!!!
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