13 years ago
*back home*

Your thoughts on this poem?

Keep in mind that I am suffering from the loss of my Muse and social life...Any ideas for a title? Smile upon sweet lacerations, The pretty ribbons of your world. Hand-shredded memories, lesions, Rising from life's softly shed pearls. Lying so fresh on your pillow, The dainty fruits of your wound. Scrub at the stains to purge your soul, Make it pristine, to wreck anew. With the marks of black emotion, Repressed and released self-loathing. Struggle for youth's pure solutions, And the innocence they could bring. Search and scream beneath tear-stained sheets, Stifle your raw sobs of trauma. Would it feel better to cry; bleed, In childhood's fluffy pajamas? Please, share your opinion on this with me...critiquing would be wonderful. I have written few passable poems of late, but I hope you liked this one...<3
Top 10 Answers
13 years ago
Jeff Jacob Lourie
Favorite Answer
So you, La Terra, and the Wailing Siren have been a-mused? Interesting, because the others are two of the best poets of this forum. And you have a lot in common with them: style, theme, ambiguity, lots of ambiguity. Maybe less polish, but maybe even more intensity. I cannot believe how young you are. This is the work of an accomplished poet. I accept the challenge of supplying a title. First, I will deconstruct it, bear with me. Lacerations, shredded, lesions, shed. Wound, stains, purge, wreck. Black emotion, repressed, self-loathing, struggle. Scream, tear-stained, stifle, raw, sobs, trauma, cry, bleed. And on the other hand: Smile, sweet, pretty, softly, pearls. Fresh, dainty, fruits, pristine. Youth, innocence. And finally "childhood's fluffy pajamas." The interspersing of these two sets, constant, back and forth produce an almost violent tension. The last stanza offers no resolution, the tension remains to the end. I am often dismissive of teen-age angst because it's usually about zits and boyfriends (The boys themselves don't usually have enough brains to express angst.). Yet this is the angst on a mature level. There is so much real pain, so much awareness - of self, of possibilities, of dangers . The poem reveals no details, no explanation of cause. It is a pure expression of condition - pain, fear, and a little hope mixed in. The unspoken resolution may be a triumph over adversity, or it may be a prelude to slashing your wrists. And so I see three sets of possibilities for this poem's title: an explanation of circumstances, a description of the emotional content, or the suggestion of its resolution. I don't think I'll pursue this further it's your poem, and only you can do this. I have not been so disconcerted by a poem in a long time. That's an indication of its power. And the power does not come merely from the emotion, you exhibit a mastery of technique. Let me know if this helps you.
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13 years ago
Evadne Soleil
I, too, am suffering abandonment by the muse, but we are both already on the right track by keeping on writing. I'm not sure if this was meant to be a rhyming poem, if so, it does it very loosely, which is all right, seeing as the subject of the words is ripping apart at the seams. Therefore, it has very much an artistic flair instead of the alternative. I do believe that your second stanza strikes me as the one I have lived closest too, especially the fourth line. "Make it pristine, to wreck anew." sometimes that is what we do with life, with addictions, with pleasure, with pain. Purge and destroy, make right, tear down. The beautiful description of the human cycle. Thank you.
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13 years ago
Siren Reborn
Oh. My. Wow. If this is what you call suffering from the lack of a muse, you were, all along, a Muse with a muse... so even now that you have lost her you are one of the same... I have not been of the mindset to be able to write much today, and this goes for poetry and responses. I hate it because I have so much I want to say but I cannot get it out in understandable terms... This poem, to me, is so special because of the depth and the creativity AND the truth... I have seen so much of my own thought in this, showing just how a good poet works; we (and I say 'we' only because I hope this is true of me) write with our own hearts, even when we are de-mused, and others connect to the words and make it their own... they see parts of themselves within it... I wish I could take this poem and go through all the separate truths I got to see... but you as the poet have already done this by writing the poem... and there are so many here that I would be here all day... Thank you for this gift... and I hope to soon see more... Blessed Be in Subtle Truths and Love and Light, Siren
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13 years ago
sweet_blue
I was going to say for titles A loss for words because you are choked up the poem is doing beautiful The 3rd and 4th paragraphs are speaking about the emotions you are going through an ordeal You are doing all you can to help deal with the struggling the emotion of crying but you are bleeding in your heart. ( My loss) is dealing with your social life along with your muse.
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13 years ago
Anonymous
I htought the poem was beautiful! I too, am writing poems(not rhyming ones) from the lost of my self esteem and of my late friend Lexxie who recently passed away with cancer. She was the only friend i found open to. I think this poem can really show your emotions. How about 'Deep Sweet Wound' or 'Slits of My Heart' or 'Emotional Trauma'.....I like Deep sweet wound. So emotional.... Good Luck! ~BlooperZ
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13 years ago
jberrie33
Wow, excellent, I think the title would have to be "Childhoods Pajamas" It gives us pause and makes us think about the things we lose as we grow older. The simple comforts of being a child and how they fade as we get older but also, how we are sometimes ripped from this simple comfort by bad things way to soon. Childhoods pajamas are things that give safety and comfort but that nobody can possibly appreciate or comprehend until its gone.
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13 years ago
JayRobyn
Sounds like you're describing a murder scene or something. Sorry if I sound weird, I'm watching Bones. I really like your description. If only I knew what you were describing... Good job, though.
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13 years ago
Farmer
ya i think it should be called Red Pajamas.. something with the pajama word.. i hope you woke up alittle better the next day. and i really hope you are not cutting yourself up! wounds are really not a strength, just reminders.
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13 years ago
Anonymous
to be honest i prefered ur other ones, this one had to many long and complicated words in it. sorry, it's my opinion ur other ones are great though, loved those ones
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13 years ago
Anonymous
its over and above - what u ment is not clear in the poem
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