12 years ago
how to rebuild a relationship that has hit rock bottom?
Ok, my relationship of about a year and a half has hit rock bottom. We have both decided to commit and work on fixing what went wrong. The only problem is, my guy works 60-70 hours a week and when he isn't working he is either at band practice or hanging out with his guy friends. Another problem is the fact that one of his friends is always here. His (the friend) mom left on a trip and locked him out of the house he has been here for two weeks. We both have jealousy issues. He freaks out if I am at home with a couple of his guy friends and I get upset when he is out with a bunch of his female friends. We both feel that the other is cheating, although there is no evidence to justify it. My only evidence is the fact that he has cheated in the past. His is based on rumors. The time that we do have together is right when he gets home from work and right before we fall asleep. It's hard to build emotionally back together when we practically never see each other. The fact that I am at home all the time and he is never here, makes me wonder if he is actually dedicated to the relationship and fixing us or if he is just taking me for a ride. I love him and we were engaged but we just broke it off recently because he says that I am not the same person I was. Unlike him, I have no friends and no family that I can talk to on a regular basis whereas, he has them everywhere. I am truely commited but when I never see him it's hard for me to show him that. What can I do to make him see that I don't want him to leave? I have tried asking him to be home more, but he says that although he is fully committed to me, he does have other commitments as well. I just wish he would put forth a little more effort. Does anyone have any tips? Is it a lost cause? I am just so lost, confused, and hurt. I don't want to lose him because he means so much to me. I have been working on building my self-esteem back up and have learned to love myself and I just want to be able to show that to him.
Thanks in advance, sorry it was so long.
12 years ago
It seems that if he can't make an effort to compromise in some way, he isn't interested in changing anything. If he was dying to spend time with you, he would prioritize his obligations. He is doing what he wants to do and you have to either happily accept that; or decide not to put up with it.
You can do much better than that and be happier. You shouldn't have to negotiate with someone for their attention.
5 years ago
Oh, here's the problem - you define your worth in terms of whether a man wants you. When you look at what you've got going for you, all you can say is you're pretty and any man would want you. This is not the way to rebuild self-esteem. If you feel that you must leave your husband, then take your child and go. Have you got family you can stay with for a year or so while you get on your feet? If not, you will have to lay your plans carefully. Seek out help from women's organisations. Find a place to stay. Can you get a job? Can you organise child care? Make sure you see Citizen's Advice or Legal Aid and know exactly what your legal position is. Waiting for another Prince Charming to sweep you away from this mess is not going to build your confidence - it will only reinforce your believe that you are pretty helpless and have to depend on a man. Set your sights on becoming independent. Apart from anything else, independent women attract a better class of man, and scare off abusers.