13 years ago
_

Should stay at home moms feel bad that their husbands work and they don't?

I used to not feel bad that I stayed at home all day long while my husband works. At first, I only really ever went online and watched t.v. That was before we had a baby. Now that we have a baby, I clean a lot, cook dinner every night (no frozen meals like before!), make sure the house looks really good (good enough for visitors), and rarely watch t.v. I somehow still feel bad that my husband goes to work and I stay at home doing things that put up the bills (like using electricity to stay warm and such). I would contribute financially but we can't afford daycare, we share a car and I've been out of work for so long, McDonald's might not even want me! A lot of this "guilt" is from these guilt trips my husband has been putting me through. He comes home tired and says "Back massage? My back hurts from a long day at work." He's self employed and paints houses and does handyman work. I'm sure it's not extremely back breaking and I told him to see the chiropractor about his scoliosis a while ago, but he doesn't listen! Should I feel bad that I don't work?
Top 10 Answers
13 years ago
Tasha
Favorite Answer
Are you joking? You definitely SHOULD NOT feel bad. Taking care of the house is a lot of work. You do more then people realize or appreciate. Cooking, taking care of the baby, keeping the house clean, and you probably do all the shopping too right? In a study put out by Salary.com, which calculates the wages that would have been paid a stay-at-home mom in 2007 if she were compensated for all the elements of her "job" she would be making 138,095 dollars a YEAR! That's how much your work is worth. http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/CollegeAndFamily/RaiseKids/ThePriceOfAMom.aspx
2
13 years ago
SCAT CAT
It makes me angry on how some people (not you) downplay the duties of a stay at home Mom. I myself am not a stay at home Mom but I was for 3 months while on maternity leave and it is no cake walk! You are not just a mom and you do more than sit around and watch tv all day. you are maid,chauffeur,schedule planner, accountant,teacher and Mom. You also save money by staying home. This is why women have the kids because some men can be such big babies. Don't let him put you on a guilt trip. If he feels your not making a contribution then stop doing things for him like his laundry and she how he likes that. It is sad that he has scoliosis and I would feel bad too but has he ever thought of staying home with the baby and you working outside the home?
1
13 years ago
RomanceNdreams
you sound depressed and when he comes home tired he makes you feel worthless. if you can, get some sleep and rest in the day time. when he comes home look pretty, smell nice and give him that back rub. you probably can't afford to work at McDonald with the cost of child care. you do more caring for your child then any child care center would do, therefore, your time is worth a lot of money! you are working for free if you take care of a child, a home, cook and clean. find out how much these services are and then you will see your true worth. if you feel that guilty as you say, maybe you could either clean a home or 2 a week in your neighborhood for money or babysit another child or 2 with your child. non, the less, it sounds like your husband requires some attention, some TLC. if you love him and he really loves you, you will both get over this bad time in marriage. most people go through it. your not alone. PS forget about trying to fix your husband's back by sending him to a chiropractor. it sounds like he likes your attention instead. most people hate being told how to get "fixed" by any means.
2
13 years ago
alialoggi
Why are you not valuing the work you do? Is your work only valuable if you get a pay check? What if you didn't have children and you worked at a Day Care teacher and a house cleaner full time. Would you then feel guilty about not working? Would you feel the need to give that backrub? Would you feel that you don't deserve electricity? A lot of men do this guilt thing. Truth is, he couldn't work if he had to take care of the house and the kids. He can further his career and you don't have that option right now. That makes him marketable and you less so. Consider this and snap out of it! Good luck!
1
13 years ago
abcdefg
You do work. Raising your children is much more important than painting someones elses house.. I am sure he understands that what you do is the most important job of all and i am sure he appreciates it.. but at the same time he still gets tired at work and tired from helping with the baby when he is home ( this doesn't seem like a guilt trip to me) .. if you have the strength, give him a back massage.. just ask him to return the favor! and if you are to tired say no and that you want a massage from picking up after baby all day long! you both probably work really hard so acknowledge it and appreciate each other! It is give and take and you will both be exhausted for a couple years, just always remember to take time for each other.
4
13 years ago
karen_e_fritz
staying at home with the baby is hard work too. it takes a lot of energy. plus since your husband comes home tired is he gonna cook and cleani dont think so. you contribute alot and just cause your not getting paid it doesnt mean your not "working". if you feel like maybe you need to bring some money in try gettinga weekend job. i use to feel the same so i decided to work with hush parties (hushparties.com/couple). theres a lot of places where you can make extra cash on your free time. i only book parties when my husband can stay home with the baby that way you dont pay for day care.
1
13 years ago
Anonymous
no you should not feel bad, you are doing alot of work too even though you don't get a paycheque, and you are responsible for the baby too and cooking etc. A stay at home wife's position is often underrated and unappreciated unfortunately and modern society is often to blame for this I never understood why women want to do 'it all' and work outside the home as well a do all the house work and taking care of the kids. is that freedom for women? no, its not. some women dont have a choice and need the extra money, but those who have the choice should never feel guilty
4
13 years ago
Craig
Ok, you take care or the baby, clean, cook, and make sure the house looks really good. That sounds like work to me! It also sounds like you husband wants you to appreciate what he does, and that's fair enough, but it shouldn't detract from what you do. Working for money allows you to buy the things you need. Working at home allows you to have a nice home life--think what it would cost to pay someone to do all things you do. You both live a lot better together than you would alone.
0
13 years ago
Anonymous
Tell him you'd like a back massage as you've had a hard day working. You work just as hard as he does. Tell him that if he doesn't start recognizing, appreciating and respecting the work you do then you will find someone who does. Or suggest that he try staying at home and doing all the housework and childcare while you go out to a paid job. Your husband makes me very angry, bad back or not. You should stop putting up with his denigration. He needs to wake up and stop being such a chauvenist. When you've had a hard day TELL HIM. The little things he says and his attitude will eventually wear you down and errode your self esteem. You will become depressed. He is going to make you sick. Don't put up with it. He should be supporting you emotionally [not just financially]. As for your ‘Mconald’s might not even want me’ comment – you feel trapped and like you have no opportunities in life – it’s sad that your husband is rubbing this in, instead of applauding you for finding such a worthwhile, giving and important job as being his wife, mother to his child and provider of a good home. By the way – making a home takes two partners – just because he works outside the home does not mean he shouldn’t also be helping you out with housework and the kids. I reckon your husband has low self-esteem because he senses his job is fairly poor. He feels like a bigger man when he puts you down and insinuates he has a harder day.
0
13 years ago
Anonymous
I dont think house moms should feel bad at all.. I am a house mom and i have alot of work to do... i have 4 kids... so u can only imagine how it is. House Moms Have to: Cook Clean Laundry Baths Change Diapers Keep kids occupied and be prepared to here how the hubbys day went I think house moms have the most important job and the most challenging job... It takes a VERY strong woman to be able to take on such a job The only difference between his job and yours and that he has a paycheck at the end of the week CONGRATS to all mothers that can do this great and wonderful job... ANOTHER THING IS THAT THE BENIFITS ARE BETTER THEN ANY OTHER JOB CAN OFFER... YOU GET TO SEE YOU KIDS GROW AND LEARN NEW THINGS EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
6